Sometime in the early 1990s I was rebirthed several times.  An Australian girl was passing through town and word got around because she called herself an “Immortalist.”  She was a rebirthing practitioner.

By now in my life I’d learned a lot about rebirthing and was eager to try it, but alas, there was not a single person in the Chicago area that could help.  NOW was my chance – and I took it!

Mark Sullivan, Sondra's husband

My rebirther (I’ll call her Tess) welcomed me to her apartment.  After a little chat to see what my expectations were, she lead me to a room where I laid on a futon.  She slowly began the breathing, explaining how to do it, and as the session wore on, the breathing became faster and faster.

During this, I was seeing things and telling her about them between breaths.  She talked about the issues that I had come to the session with and how the ‘visions’ I was having related to my situation.  One of the things I saw was the personification of my personal fears.  It looked a lot like the painting “The Scream” but was far scarier!  Another thing that happened was that my hands began to lock up as if they had end-stage arthritis.  That scared me.  Tess said that it was just my toxic thoughts looking for a way out, and that it was normal, happened a lot, and would go away before I left. And it did.

I went to see Tess 2 or 3 times and each time when I left, I felt like a million dollars.  My logical mind told me that I had been hyperventilating for an hour, so it made perfect sense that I was feeling ‘high.’

However -

One of the issues I went to her with was a problem with recurring pain that I had been suffering from for most of my life.  The source had never been found – it came and went randomly – and just interrupted my life inconveniently.  When I left the sessions each time, the pain would disappear for several months.  That gave me pause – and helped me understand why rebirthing on a regular basis made sense.

Nowadays, there are lots of rebirthers, and I intend to go back for more sessions.  If you like a massage for your body, you’ll LOVE letting the fresh air into your mind!

Mark and Sondra challenged us to repeat this affirmation as many times as possible for a week -

“What if it was really true that I could rejuvenate my body and live as long as I like?”

Now, keep in mind – living forever by their definition, means living outside time and space.  Therefore, you would not be living in a body that was getting older and older.  Sondra told us about her relationship with an Immortal who once lived in India, but now lives everywhere and at all times.  You may have read about him in Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda or In Perfect Timing by Peter Caddy of Findhorn.  His name is Babaji.

Babaji in one of his physical expressions

In 1894 Babaji said that he was 500 years old.  He has appeared to Sondra many times and many different ways including as a circus clown who was waiting in line at the post office she was at!  Many people on earth have met Babaji.  Together with Krishna, he sends out vibrations of redemption to the planet.  It is said that in 1922 Babaji went into a cave in India to meditate, and dematerialized.  He rematerialized in 1970, and has been interacting with earth ever since.

The concept of an immortal being such as Babaji in our midst is quite challenging, comforting, alarming and possible.  If one can learn anything at all from rebirthing and contemplating immortality, it’s that there are more things in heaven and earth than we can dream of as possible.

And it also puts the challenge to discover their meanings squarely in our own personal minds.

Last night I went to a lecture to meet Sondra Ray – someone I’ve admired for nearly 25 years.

She and her husband, Mark Sullivan, were lecturing on Immortality and A Course in Miracles.  I can’t recall them ever appearing in the Midwest, so I took this opportunity as a gift from heaven.   In 1981 I purchased Sondra’s book, “The Only Diet There Is” and was thoroughly challenged by what she teaches in it.  Its message is a vital today as it ever was, and I brought my dog-eared copy with me hoping she might sign it.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that there was an intimate group.  Sondra and Mark had lead a Loving Relationships Training over the previous three days, hosted another lecture and also did private sessions.  This was their final presentation, and Sondra said that it took a lot of guts for us to show up to a presentation on Immortality.

Sondra and Mark had their heads shaved in India recently

So – Immortality —–

Do I really want to live to be 900? What would be the point? I’d need bullet-proof health insurance, that’s for sure.  My life insurance company would be none too happy, either.  And what could immortality possibly have to do with A Course in Miracles?

Sondra and her friend Leonard Orr developed a tool called Rebirthing that I had encountered many years ago.  Rebirthing is geared toward helping people overcome their unconscious death urge.  What is the unconscious death urge? Sondra explained that it’s the belief that you are born and you will die.  This belief comes from many corners: family tradition, religious dogma, past life memories of dying, our personal lie (more on that in a minute), guilt, separation from God, and so forth.

The Rebirthing experience (now re-named Liberation Breathing) brings you back to your birth into this life, the trauma surrounding it, and reconnects you to the being that you are/were before you became YOU.  It returns you to the arms of God where you lived before you were born.  You then take this new connection and live your life accordingly.

Rebirthing isn’t just a once in a lifetime experience. Our guilt constantly seeps back into our minds and reactivates the death urge – so rebirthing on a regular basis makes sense.  This practice also rejuvenates us and removes the reasons we secretly harbor for dying.

But once again – why live forever in the physical body?

This is the beauty and the crux of the path: In order to reach a place where physical death won’t happen, we must allow our egos to be undone.  And when we have reached that state, should we decide to stay in the physical body, our sole purpose would be pure service to our fellow humans on earth, to help them undo their egos, too.

This is heavy duty stuff – not for the faint-hearted.

So when the ego is in charge, what does life look like?  Well, we have beliefs that old age brings sickness, we’re held hostage to addictions, we believe in sin, guilt and fear….not a pretty picture.

And this is where it all gets terribly interesting to me.

I’ve been drawn to Rebirthing for over 20 years; and then when I discovered it about 8 years ago, to The Course.  In a very simplified form, The Course says that “there is no world” – that this life we think we’re living is an illusion we created because we tried to kill God, and then decided to hide from that horrible choice here, in the body.  The trouble is, that we have so much guilt about trying to kill God that we project it outside of ourselves, and it takes the form of bad people, horrifying events and the like – just so we can safely say that we are not guilty of being bad….that other guy over there is the bad one.  It’s a powerful reason to stay human.

The Course also says that guilt is a choice. Pure and simple. Rebirthing is a potent tool for helping us understand the choice for guilt that we are always making, because Rebirthing is just guided breathing. There’s no dogma to sign up for, there are no rules you must adhere to.

So – are you ready for a little experiment?

Sondra and Mark had us do this little exercise while they did it themselves onstage.  Find a friend.  I  used my sister, Melanie.  Each of you should have a piece of paper and a pen.  At the top, write these words:

“A negative thought that I have that is destructive to my body is…”

Now, each of you takes a turn.  Person #1 (Melanie) reads the statement, then fills in the blank.  Person #2 (me) will write it down on Melanie’s paper, read it back, say “thank you” and then Melanie will do it again.  She’ll come up with about 5-6 statements that are true to her.  Then, it’s my turn.  Melanie will write down what I say on my paper so we each have a record of what we said.

Examples might be: “A negative thought that I have that is destructive to my body is that I am lazy.”  Or, “…I overeat.”  Or even, “…I only have a few good years left.”

In a room full of participants, the first thing I noticed was that the scary, deep, dark secrets I  regularly repeat silently to myself during my day were pretty common in the room.  It was a relief to know I wasn’t the only person suffering from this negative thought or that one.

These statements represent our personal lie.  It’s our choice to believe them.  But I think you’re getting the picture.

Next – my own rebirthing experiences and more on Immortality and A Course in Miracles

….to be Continued……

I’ve devoted a lot of time on my blog to the Cardinal Cross and all of its influences.  This is the week of its culmination – Final Exams, if you will – to get the lesson so we can move on and live our lives to their fullest.

Besides all of this, Mercury stations and then goes retrograde, just to make this as interesting a week as it can possibly be.  A word or two about this Mercury retrograde:

The rule of thumb during a Merc Rx (as they’re often referred to) is not to sign any contracts, purchase any electronics, and basically, lay low for the entire duration.  Many take this as a caution not to do anything at all which hardly makes sense.  You should spend these times reflecting on the challenges and changes in your life – and indeed – that is the focus of this entire Cardinal Cross event, so please try and re frame your attitude to Merc Rx.  In other words, this is probably the most potent one in your lifetime, so after this, they should all be a lot easier!

Merc Rx also sends people from our pasts back into our lives to show us how far we’ve come, and how far we have yet to go.  People from the past can come to us in real life, in our dreams or through a third-hand conversation – but when they do, take the time to evaluate your progress in your life and make adjustments as necessary.  Mercury is retrograde until September 12, 2010.

Now, let’s talk about this culmination of the Cardinal Cross.

This is a big moment in our lives.  It’s a crossroads of sorts – a gateway into a new paradigm but only if we do the work.  What’s that thing you hate to do? The one that has you calling your friends and complaining that it’s happening to you ‘yet again’ and how it’s such a pain?  Well, most likely, THAT is the focus of your Cardinal Cross.

Yuk.

Who wants to step into that mud and make a change?

Take a deep breath and just do it.

“But, really, Deb – that thing I’m always complaining about is the pain in my leg (or something my deceased relative said to me, or my being out of a job).  What, exactly, are you asking me to do?”

You might not be able to make the pain stop (however you define pain) but you CAN start to think about it in a different way…because that’s the only real control we have over anything….because, this time will be the last time if you do it as completely and as wholeheartedly as you can.    While you’re doing the heavy lifting in the mud, be as kind to yourself as you can.  This isn’t easy, you know!  But you also have to remember to be kind to everyone else because they’re going through the same thing you are – whew! – a LOT of energy rocketing around.

If you can, please connect with those who are in a sketchy place in their lives at this moment.  These are the people who need us the most right now.  Give yourself the love, then spend the love on them.  Not everyone will come out the other side of the challenge in the same shape; so if you’re feeling the hurt, remember that others could quite possibly be feeling it even more.

This is also a good time to remember not to fall back into old habits.  Put a sign up in your bathroom, on your dashboard, in your email signature…stand in solidarity with others who are pledging the same.

The struggle is between the darkness and the light – OF YOU!

Last, but not least, Uranus is in Pisces until March 11, 2011.  Uranus is the Great Awakener.  It won’t be back in this position until 2087 so open that big gift of awakening that you’ve prepared for yourself.  This, along with the Cardinal Cross and so many other planetary aspects happening right now, will only happen ONCE in your lifetime.

Make the most of it.

As far as the Cardinal Cross energy goes, it will be over on Saturday – but its effects will be felt for years.

And if you’ve forgotten, please re-read my four suggestions from my last post:

* When the going gets tough from here on out, remember that you’re a grown up.

* The quality of your responses to the things that happen to you in your life has everything to do with where you land after your conflicts subside.

* Level up to the highest, best, most authentic YOU that you can be going forward.

* Prepare to learn and grow and discover why you’re here.

And as always, call or email me. This is a really confusing time for some.  If you don’t have anyone to talk it out with, I’m here.

This is it.

This is the week we’ve been waiting our entire lives for.

This is the culmination of the tension of the Cardinal Cross (aka the Cardinal T-Square).

I’m going to say this a lot, so please be sure to do it – BREATHE.  And above all, try not to act (or act out) if you don’t have to.  Try really hard to sit on your hands and keep your thoughts to yourself.  The planets (almost all of them) are in transit.  This means that they are in motion, but they won’t stay that way, so try and wait it out as much as possible.

People who are unaware of this cross action will probably be acting out like mad.  If their acting out is negative, don’t hook into their energy and make it worse.

So let’s break this week down (for people in the US. If you’re someplace else on the globe, please adjust this information.)

Monday and Tuesday – This is when the ‘fun’ begins.  Be aware that when you’re scanning your life looking for that Cardinal Cross event in your life, you’ll find that you have stress and worry in a completely unrelated yet familiar part of your life.  THAT’S the event you’re looking for, not what you were trying to anticipate.  If you’ve been feeling recurring stress about one particular issue lately, and today is no different – THAT’S your Cardinal Cross issue.

Wednesday and Thursday – These are the days you’ll feel pressure to act (or act out).  If your action plan is not supportive of the others in your drama, try as hard as you can not to take the bait and respond.  If you have to, well, then you have to.  Don’t stress over it.

This energy is actually positive energy! Ponder this metaphor for a moment:  When the stuff hits the fan, it’s all about where you’re standing.  When the Cardinal Cross energy hits your life, it’s all about how you’ve conducted yourself up until that moment.  This energy is going to roar through quickly and forcefully, so just hang on.

If you’ve been putting off those icky life lessons until now — you may be forced into a change you don’t particularly care for.

If you’ve been working those life lessons all along, you can probably see by as early as Friday where you’re going to end up.

However, there are surprizes galore for everyone on earth this week.  If you’re feeling overwhelmed, as much as possible, take it like a grownup.  It will be over by the end of August.  The dust will settle and our lives will go on.

Acknowledge that stress and prepare to leave it behind you.  Turn and look toward a new future to embrace.  Forgive yourself for making it all so real.  And moving into your new life, bring these tools with you:

* When the going gets tough from here on out, remember that you’re a grown up.

* The quality of your responses to the things that happen to you in your life has everything to do with where you land after your conflicts subside.

* Level up to the highest, best, most authentic YOU that you can be going forward.

* Prepare to learn and grow and discover why you’re here.

And as always, call or email me. This is a really confusing time for some.  If you don’t have anyone to talk it out with, I’m here.

So many people are coming to my site for information on the Cardinal Cross that is tightening this week on Friday/Saturday depending on where in the world you live. It will grind away in our lives for a couple of weeks, and then slowly dissipate.

Michael Lutin published this video on his website today.

Listen carefully to his message because in reality, no one knows how this configuration will play out in the real world.  So please take his message to heart.  Don’t feel sorry for yourself.  Try to breathe and don’t say anything you don’t have to.

The early energy of the T-Square starts tomorrow (Friday 7/30).  The stock markets are expected to go wild, but whether they do or don’t, something in your life is going to go wild – so when it starts, try to watch it like a movie instead of jumping in and adding to the raging energy.

Act calmly – think twice, speak once – and call me if it’s all just too much.

But most of all, remember to laugh!

Yesterday I was interviewed for an international radio program that originates in Canada: X Zone Radio.  This is not an internet station, but an actual world-wide radio station that invited me in to chat for an hour.

I must say that I had a great conversation with Rob McConnell, the host.  Our chat covers a lot of ground: from how a skeptic can be a psychic, to how to develop your psychic ability, to practical tools you can use right now to help you through a tough time.

Our chat has been downloaded on iTunes and you can listen to it there.  I hope you enjoy listening to it and get some good insight about me and my work.

I’ve hesitated to write about the BP oil spill.  There is so much bad news out there that I didn’t feel I could write about it until I had something constructive to say.

So, here is how I see it:

BP took a huge gamble.  They drilled in deep waters without a net.  And then, the unthinkable happened – disaster on a scale we cannot comprehend.  BP wasn’t alone in this gamble – the US government aided and abetted them in their quest for profits…including allowing them to write off much of the cost of the rig to begin with, and of course, waiving inspections, compliance and all the rest.

They must pay.

But that dance has not yet even really begun.

How could the officials of BP think that there would be no problems associated with their experimental project? How could the government nod their heads and go along? How come we’re only hearing about this NOW?

Well, you might not like my answer, but here is my take:  Every single person on earth is ‘playing the averages’ in their life.  From the smallest to the largest decisions, we are all working from the same playbook as BP.

*Should I cross the street NOW? or after that car passes?
*Should I cash in a chunk of my retirement so stay afloat? and worry about the consequences later?
*Should I buy a house I can afford this month, knowing the shakiness of the overall economy?
*Should I recommend my company buy these credit default swaps and hopefully unload them before the inevitable crash?
*Should I day trade instead of going with an established brokerage?
*Should I gamble my rent payment on this hand? I’ve been winning all night…

Do you see the pattern? Some decisions have to be made.  You can say that some are made on faith (as in buying a house or staying afloat) and some are made out of greed (in the case of credit default swaps and gambling the rent), but we make them every day and we can’t always see the outcomes clearly.

Here’s the deal – the way I see it, for some unknown reason, it was BP’s turn to get caught in the risk mill.  It could have just as easily been any other company on the face of the earth, but BP pulled the rusty brass ring this time, and it’s their turn to have the light shone on their business practices (and by association, the government, too.)

It feels OH SOO GOOOD to place blame on those bad, bad people.  “Look at what you’ve done to me, to my family, to my home, to my planet!”  But remember, we’re all gambling on some level – we’re all believing that the lottery will come through for us and wipe away all those risky decisions we’re making today.

This time there’s no silver bullet.  And so we are left with our personal responses to this mess.

What’s going to happen? That all depends on the quality of our personal response.  No matter how this plays out in the end, we still have to live inside ourselves today – and I’m asking you – in relation to the oil spill, how hospitable is that interior space in your mind and heart?  Is it a toxic stew of blame and hate?  If it is, then the quality of your personal outcome will not be very bright.

I’m asking you to look – just look, don’t judge – at the fact that we’re all gamblers somewhere in our lives.  Just look – don’t judge – at the fact that we knowingly make risky choices, betting that things will go our way and we won’t get caught in the risk mill this time.  When you look at things this way, you are at the doorway of forgiveness.

You don’t want to forgive BP?

Who does?

But it all comes back to us – all the time, every day, no exceptions. There is so much more to unfold in this oil spill story that we cannot yet imagine.  The quality of our personal response NOW will determine how our lives will unfold moving forward.  So try to look inside your own heart.  See what you’re creating there.  Ask yourself if you’re happy with what you find, and perhaps begin to ever-so-slightly change your thoughts about blame, hate and the role of the innocent victim.

Let’s begin learning about the cards.  Pictured above are cards from the suit of swords, as depicted in the Divine Animals Deck and the Archeon Deck.  I chose them because they do have similarities.

They’re both from the suit of swords, as mentioned, but they also involve birds: one has a hawk of some type, and the other a raven, but the similarities seem to end there.  Let’s look a bit more closely.

Swords generally have to do with intellect, intelligence and the left side of the brain.  Knowing only this, I’d like you to look at the Four of Swords and tell me what you think this card is saying to you right now.

Go ahead — take a few minutes. I’ll be right here.

So, what did you think?  What kind of bird crossed your mind as you looked at it? Ignore the fact that it says “the Hawk” — this bird can be whatever you want it to be. Was it an eagle? An owl? A mythical bird?  Whichever bird it was for you, what do you think of when you think of that bird?  This will get you started.

Now, when you looked at the light above the bird’s head, what did it make you think of? The sun? The moon? A great insight? Did it have an omnipotent feature?  Whatever the light meant to you, dig a little deeper.  That light signified something – now what meaning does that ‘something’ have for you? How does that relate to the bird?

And what about those swirls in the air? How did they feel to you? Did you notice that some of them seem to have gotten caught on the hilts of the swords?  What does that mean?

We’re getting somewhere!  Those swords — all that intelligence and logic — they’re stuck in a pile of what appears to be twigs. Did you think they were something other than twigs? Did it look like snakes? Or old weeds? Whatever they looked like to you, when you think of that thing, what does it mean to you? What other thoughts always come up with that image?

I’ll take a minute here, so you can put all these thoughts together.

Now, normally when reading cards, you won’t look at every element in each card to get the story you’re looking for.  In fact, quite the contrary.  It will usually be only one or two elements that are appropriate at that moment. But the way you look at those one or two elements in each of several cards lying on the table looking up at you, involves the same exercise we just went through — it just happens a bit more quickly.

There is no right or wrong answer to this exercise.  It’s just practice. Practice in seeing what a card has to offer, and what you bring to those symbols, yourself.  As you become familiar with looking at the cards in this way, you can eventually add the most crucial ingredient: a client.

You’ve probably guessed why the second card is here.  Yes, I want you to do the exercise again. Write down your very first thoughts for each element. This time, you might include the element of color, too.  What do the symbols in the card mean to you?  That is the only place you can start.

Wow, is the energy charged these days!  Early this morning (in the US) marked the moment of the Cardinal Cross lunar eclipse.  Because I’m getting so many people asking for information, I’m going to post the most important things you need  to know today, and until the end of August.

And while you’re here, here’s a picture of the eclipse as it began last night in Australia:

The first thing to remember is that the Cardinal Cross is only a moment in time, and it has passed.

That said, for some people, namely those born in cardinal signs (Capricorn, Cancer, Libra and Aires) this will be a doozy.  Here’s an example: a wedding of two people is a moment in time (“I now pronounce you…”) but there’s a lot of energy and stress leading up to it, and a whole lot of explorartion of new territory after it.  So, while the wedding is only a moment, there is a lot of energy pushing on both sides of that moment.

So let’s look at that energy.

This is an eclipse on the South Node meaning that it is a releasing eclipse.  During this next few days it’s time to let go of things we’ve outgrown but still habitually indulge in.  Easier said than done?  The energy of eclipses push you harder to make it stick.  This is the time to make those decisions in your mind.  You should also ponder what you will be now accepting into your life since you’re giving up old, outmoded habits.  Spend some time and think it through with intention.

Think on a grand scale.  Thoughts like, “I’m going to give up my thighs and welcome in being skinny” have energy, but not nearly as much energy as, “I’m ready to honor myself and all I’ve learned in my lifetime to bring in the highest realization of who I really am.”  If this is your goal, then consider weight loss a side effect.

Next, as much as you can, do not initiate changes during the eclipse.  Because this is such a powerful one, that means until the end of August.  I know, it’s probably impossible in every instance, but this is what you need to know:  if you can avoid initiating something for a while, put it off as long as possible.  It’s fine to react during an eclipse, but try not to initiate.

So, if your partner says something that has just gotten on your last nerve, resist the impulse to give him (or her) the heave-ho.  Instead, pop some popcorn and as much as possible, try to sit back and observe what’s happening as if you were in the audience at a movie.  At the movies, we react to what’s going on – but we can’t initiate anything.

Last but not least, be kind to your Capricorn friends, and any friends you have who were born under cardinal signs.  This eclipse is in Capricorn, so they will be feeling the brunt of this energy.  However, Aries, Libra and Cancer will be under it’s gun, too.  Give them a call and remind them that you’re there to talk if they need it.

And if you’re a cardinal sign – reach out.

Throughout my life I’ve been told that I am the exception, the fringe element, the unconventional one.  Why? Because I’ve always insisted on working on my stuff.  Working on my stuff means exploring territories that many people don’t know about, don’t care about or would rather avoid.

Instead of bumbling through my life’s more perplexing chapters, I invested a lot of time on trying to puzzle them out, tease out the meaning, parse the lesson – and then commit to the change.  Oftentimes, my explorations lead me to outcomes that I didn’t particularly like.  But, this is why life is not smooth and easy – we’re here to learn important things with peaceful breaks in between the lessons.

The real challenge is to figure out how to have a more even balance of hard lessons to restorative time off.

Here is an example of an actual process I developed.  I did it because I was tired of the pain and was ready to commit to the solution.  It went something like this:

A person who is very, very dear to me called me up one evening and we were having a pleasant conversation.  Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he said something that I took as a terribly hurtful statement.  It hurt so much that I had to hang up the phone.  I laid down on the couch in the fetal position thinking that the pain I was feeling would be the same if my skin was being peeled off.  I was shocked, hurt, self-pitying … and …

Wait – self-pitying.  There was the door.  I stopped my mental processes and allowed myself to just feel.  Instead of trying to argue the pain away, deny it or numb it, I felt it with all my heart … and suddenly, there it was:  underneath the searing burn was a part of me I didn’t even know existed.  And that me was enjoying the pain.

In the same moment I felt shock, fear and a deep recognition.

The Lesson In Progress

What was going on?  In a moment that I can only describe as a deep, dimensional perception I got the lesson.  And the lesson was this:

I was attracting pain in many forms to myself because I liked it.  I liked it because if someone hurt me, then I could blame them for it – and I would get to be their innocent victim.  Why would I want that?  Because in this life the favorite game of all mankind is called “Shift the Blame.”  We all do it.  We all fly our flag of righteousness in the faces of the bad guys.  The strategy is to be the first one to shift the blame so we can be innocent, blameless, one of the ‘good guys.’

At the moment of recognition, the pain disappeared.  I collected myself, thought about what happened, and later called my friend and told him the story.  He was thankful that I called.  He couldn’t figure out why I suddenly started acting strangely.  He never intended his remarks the way that I received them. And he wondered why I suddenly had to hang up.

If I had not gone through this process and then called him to try and explain what had happened, I would have continued to believe that he was an untrustworthy person who might lash out at me for no reason … and that my best defense would be to stay away from him.  What self-sabotage! The reward for working on my stuff – even when it’s really painful – was that I didn’t lose a friend.  I forgave myself, set the experience in the front of my life’s toolkit, and grew.

More than One Way to Learn a Lesson

But there is another kind of pay-off to working on your stuff.

First, you must believe that there is value in the work.  But if you’re already working on your stuff, you already believe in the value.  The example above pertains to lessons suddenly appearing in your path.  Next, we’re going to look at a lesson as a process.

A long time ago I had a job in an industry that I enjoyed.  I enjoyed my job, too, until after a few years when it became apparent that it was time to go.  I decided that my boss must have an apparently undiagnosed personality disorder, and I could have easily used that judgment to shift  the blame to him, but I decided that he really wasn’t the bad guy.  His outbursts were difficult to take, for sure.  Be that as it may, I had to leave. Urgently.  Every day I stayed at that job seemed to claim a little bit of my soul.  The problem was, there were no jobs available for me at the time.

I felt that I had to end the psychic pain of going to work every day, even if it meant that I would be replacing that job with nothing (which was not an option, but it shows the level of my desperation to leave).  As I would run the probable exit scenario through my mind, it always included the boss and I yelling at each other and hurting each other with our words.  I did not want to leave like that, but I felt trapped and thought that my only way of easing my pain was to blame him for my bad luck of being out of a job with no prospects.

Whenever I would get caught in that spider web of fear and blame, I’d stop – I’d remind myself that he had nothing to do with my painful daydreams, and I’d forgive myself for diminishing the options that might be available to me.  And I also acknowledged that he had hired me and continued to pay me.  This exercise went on for two years.

Then, one fine day, out of the blue, a friend called.  She asked me if I’d like to work for her as a technical assistant.  She’d pay me more than I was earning at my current job and I’d only have to work for her on an occasional basis.  The rest of my time was to be dedicated to building my own business.

I went to work the next day, and with love and gratitude in my heart, I gave my notice.  The boss and I had a long, quiet, introspective talk.  I left for my new job with an unexpected sense of relief, happiness and freedom that I never anticipated.

Whenever I get tied up in my blame game, I remember the totally unexpected feelings of balance and joy that I felt as I left a job I thought I was trapped in.  That is my touchstone, my reminder, my safe place to rest.

Working on your stuff.  It’s worth the effort.  Be open to the unexpected rewards.  Implement what you learned when the going gets tough. Rewards might not always be immediate, but when they arrive, there’s no mistaking them. This is the real road less traveled, and the only one worth taking.